This is a totally useless observation, but I noticed tonight while looking at the pic of Bush delivering his historic "we’re screwed" speech to the nation a little black spot under his jaw. Can you see it? WTH is that? Mobile post sent by thepete using Utterli.   Replies.

Ugh, so here is a fun one–George W. Bush trying to convince us all that he’s right about something else that has gone to shit under his watch.

Seriously, everything this man touches turns to fine smelling feces. I challenge anyone to name something he’s gotten right. I mean, do we really need me to go through this transcript to know that Bush will distort the facts, deceive us and dodge responsibility? Well, I’m a glutton for punishment (it comes from watching every episode of MST3K several times over), so here we go!

The below transcript of Bush’s historic “We’re Screwed” speech comes from JPGardners’ Donkelphant.com and remember, Bush’s comments will be in italics while mine will be factually accurate and not in italics.

THE PRESIDENT: Good evening.

Oh, Al Gore was there? :P (Get it? It says “THE PRESIDENT”. YES I’m still bitter god damn it!!)

This is an extraordinary period for America’s economy.

THIS GUY IS SHARP, BOY! What’s next? An observation that touching open flames cause pain??

Over the past few weeks, many Americans have felt anxiety about their finances and their future.

“Few weeks”?!?!?!

Try “few years” idiot. I’ve been blogging about the value of the dollar dropping for three years, possibly more.

It’s really hard not to use the word “retard” in connection with this fool, but I don’t want to insult anyone who is actually mentally handicapped.

I understand their worry and their frustration.

Ah, so you’re not frustrated? Why should you be? You’re wearing a beautiful new golden suit spun with gold so fine that you can’t see it, you tremendous feeb.

Sorry, I know it’s not mature to call people names, but this fucker won’t go away! He’s committed crimes, failed to protect Americans from terrorists and killer storms, bungled two wars almost simultaneously and now he’s managed to oversee one of the biggest economic failures America has seen since the Great Depression.

Ah, good stuff! o_O

We’ve seen triple-digit swings in the stock market. Major financial institutions have teetered on the edge of collapse, and some have failed. As uncertainty has grown, many banks have restricted lending. Credit markets have frozen. And families and businesses have found it harder to borrow money.

Uhhhhhhhhhh…

….families have found it harder to EAT. Families have found it harder to get to work thanks to soaring gas prices (yes, I know they’re “down” but they’re still UP from where they should be). Who the hell cares about how businesses feel? Businesses are what got us in this mess. This blind adherence to the system as it is (as unregulated as it is) is patently absurd.

We’re in the midst of a serious financial crisis, and the federal government is responding with decisive action.

More like derisive action.

We’ve boosted confidence in money market mutual funds,

Do you even know what it means to “boost confidence in money market mutual funds”??? Dude, I don’t know what that is and I’d wager that most of America doesn’t own or give a flying fart about money markets. They just want to know if their money is safe and that it’s still worth something.

and acted to prevent major investors from intentionally driving down stocks for their own personal gain.

Isn’t that what the stock market is for? Personal gain. And why shouldn’t major investors “take their profits” (read: sell their stock)? Isn’t that the free market at work?

Most importantly, my administration is working with Congress to address the root cause behind much of the instability in our markets.

COUGHfiatcurrencyCOUGH!

Financial assets related to home mortgages have lost value during the housing decline. And the banks holding these assets have restricted credit. As a result, our entire economy is in danger.

hangonhangonhangon…

OK, let me get this straight:

Financial assets related to home mortgages losing value means that the stuff used as collateral for the housing loan has lost value–aka the houses have lost value during the housing decline. The decline in housing lowers the value of the houses thanks to the law of supply and demand (low demand = low price). OK:

Point 1: People stop buying houses = housing decline = low house value

The banks who hold the deeds to these houses have ‘restricted credit’. This means banks can’t borrow money themselves because the value of their collateral (also those houses) have lost value.

Point 2: The banks hold our houses as collateral for their own loans taken from the Fed (I think this is what Bush is saying) = low house value x2

So, because of a problem in one part of banking the ENTIRE ECONOMY IS IN DANGER??

What have you done, you stupid stupid man??

Seriously, how is it that because people stopped buying houses the entire economy is crumbling?

And what about all those bad loans given to people who couldn’t afford to pay them back?

This reeks of a total snow job, man.

So I’ve proposed that the federal government reduce the risk posed by these troubled assets, and supply urgently-needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending.

Are you folks at home getting the theme, here?

Yeah, it’s all about debt. Families and businesses are having a hard time borrowing and here Bush says banks need to keep lending.

What this does for me is make me cast my gaze upon the Fed and wonder just who is making all the money here. Because if all we do is borrow, borrow, borrow, the banks and the bank the banks borrow from stand to make a LOT of money EVERY SINGLE DAY.

That bank that banks borrow from is the Fed.

This rescue effort is not aimed at preserving any individual company or industry — it is aimed at preserving America’s overall economy.

Just think about what he just said here. He’s just admitted that if the USG doesn’t do something, in his words, America’s overall economy will not be preserved.

Hey, Sean Hannity, should Bush be telling our enemies that our economy is in trouble? I believe you were critical of Obama admitting the same thing recently. Is it somehow OK that you’re beloved Bush is saying it now?

What the hell, man–this is massive.

It will help American consumers and businesses get credit to meet their daily needs and create jobs.

So, we’re supposed to have credit to meet daily needs?

Seriously?

This sounds like he’s encouraging us to charge something to a credit card every day. Does that sound ridiculous to anyone else?

Does anyone else think that he’s encouraging us to lock ourselves into a debt, salary, debt situation? As in: we take out a card, charge stuff on it, rack up debt and then get a job to pay it off and then repeat the process.

Seems like we’re all supposed to be revolving sprockets in some giant machine called capitalism.

And it will help send a signal to markets around the world that America’s financial system is back on track.

Over night we can fix anything? WOW!

THANKS, BUSH! YOU RULE!

Wait… you’re on CRACK if you think things can turn around so quickly. I’ve been watching our economy fail slowly over the span of years.

I know many Americans have questions tonight: How did we reach this point in our economy?

I don’t. I know exactly how it happened. Every time you borrow money the value of the other money already in the system goes down. It’s the law of supply and demand.

Person A puts $100 in a bank.

Person B takes out a loan for $100.

Government 1 sees $200 in our economy now. However, since there is really just $100 there, that $200 can only buy $100 worth.

Please, any of my readers tell me I’m wrong here. I want to be wrong I want to understand how our system isn’t this insanely unstable.

So, it seems, that our system, at it’s very core, is flawed. Inflation will go up and up and up, essentially creating a money bubble that makes the housing bubble or the Internet bubble look like something a child pops on a Sunday afternoon at the park.

It’s not about housing, Bush. It’s not about a few bad apples giving bad loans. It’s about the entire system being built on such unstable concepts that something like a bunch of bad loans brings the entire thing toppling down.

I mean, seriously–how stable is a system that is brought down when a portion of it fails? Imagine a car who’s back front seats vanish, only with it goes the ability to start the car and drive around with it.

How will the solution I’ve proposed work?

Wait–did you propose a solution?

OH yeah, that supplying urgently needed cash thing.

And what does this mean for your financial future?

Uh, do we have one?

These are good questions, and they deserve clear answers.

Funny you should say that…

First, how did our economy reach this point?

Don’t worry, I won’t go through it again. I will throw in that things were made worse by:

1) The war in Afghanistan. Like it or not, you don’t go after a needle in a hay stack with a bulldozer. Invading a country to find a handful of men is not how you capture the guys behind 911. You can be childish, emotional and revengeful OR you can be mature and realize that this is about police work. Instead, Bush waged a war and spent hundreds of billions. Of course, where did these hundreds of billions come from? Well, it was likely borrowed from the Federal Reserve. I think the USG upped their borrowing limit three times (I think) while Bush has been in office.

2) The war in Iraq. Like it or not, the war in Iraq was useless. We went in to get Al Qaeda, remove Saddam’s nukes and remove Saddam. The first two didn’t exist in Iraq when we invaded which pretty much proved that removing Saddam was not required. In the meantime we spent even more hundreds of billions of dollars. I think it’s also safe to assume that these hundreds of billions weren’t just laying around either. So, yep, we must have borrowed them.

OH yeah:

3) Deregulating banks. We all know this part of the story and yes, the mortgage crisis (and the credit crisis which is definitely bad, but is hardly getting any attention) is helping our economy suck majorly.

Well, most economists agree that the problems we are witnessing today developed over a long period of time.

Most humans paying attention think that, Bush.

For more than a decade, a massive amount of money flowed into the United States from investors abroad, because our country is an attractive and secure place to do business.

It’s attractive because our dollar is worth less and less every day, making it cheap for foreign companies to do business here.

This large influx of money to U.S. banks and financial institutions — along with low interest rates — made it easier for Americans to get credit. These developments allowed more families to borrow money for cars and homes and college tuition — some for the first time. They allowed more entrepreneurs to get loans to start new businesses and create jobs.

I have a feeling that this is a very rosy way to look at things. I don’t have job numbers in front of me, but I’m feeling a different vibe from the last ten years of living in the US. I watched jobs dwindle and while there has been a sequel to the Internet Bubble, it’s nowhere near as huge as the first one was.

Unfortunately, there were also some serious negative consequences, particularly in the housing market. Easy credit — combined with the faulty assumption that home values would continue to rise — led to excesses and bad decisions.

What about greed and possibly illegal activity, Bush? Isn’t the FBI investigating the very banks you’re bailing out because they might have committed massive fraud?

Many mortgage lenders approved loans for borrowers without carefully examining their ability to pay. Many borrowers took out loans larger than they could afford, assuming that they could sell or refinance their homes at a higher price later on.

Well, at least he’s not blaming anyone.

Or is he actually blaming everyone? :P

Either way, you know what would have protected against this?

A little regulation!!

Optimism about housing values also led to a boom in home construction. Eventually the number of new houses exceeded the number of people willing to buy them. And with supply exceeding demand, housing prices fell. And this created a problem: Borrowers with adjustable rate mortgages who had been planning to sell or refinance their homes at a higher price were stuck with homes worth less than expected — along with mortgage payments they could not afford. As a result, many mortgage holders began to default.

But isn’t that the risk of owning? I mean, I’m no free marketeer, but I’m pretty sure that’s the risk you take on when entering an investment like that. Likewise, it’s also the risk you take as a lender. There should be a fail-safe built in so that when some loans go bad, the entire ship doesn’t sink. That’s just good business sense, right?

These widespread defaults had effects far beyond the housing market.

OR you’re just saying they do.

See, in today’s mortgage industry, home loans are often packaged together, and converted into financial products called “mortgage-backed securities.”

This is a shell-game. Only, instead of the pea underneath the shells, it’s the “value” of these loans. What they do is allow the lender to transfer the risk to an investor. Of course, the investor is doing it because he/she assumes the debt will be paid off because they have no idea that the lender didn’t do their job vetting the borrower. They probably don’t even know that they’re taking on the risk at all. Everyone pays off their home loans eventually, right?

RIGHT?

Not under Bush. If there were plenty of jobs and our dollar bought a lot, do you think those mortgages would be defaulting?

These securities were sold to investors around the world. Many investors assumed these securities were trustworthy, and asked few questions about their actual value.

THAT’ll teach them to trust American banks!!

Two of the leading purchasers of mortgage-backed securities were Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Because these companies were chartered by Congress, many believed they were guaranteed by the federal government.

Oh yeah, like THEY’VE got any money!!

Seriously, the USG borrows from the Fed just like banks.

This allowed them to borrow enormous sums of money, fuel the market for questionable investments, and put our financial system at risk.

So, they don’t have to go to jail or be punished in anyway, they just get bailed out and the guys who made these bad choices end up keeping their salaries?

The decline in the housing market set off a domino effect across our economy. When home values declined, borrowers defaulted on their mortgages,

Wait, what? How? Huh?

Housing values going down doesn’t = people not having money to pay their mortgages. Sure, it can happen that way, but as a rule did it? That seems extreme.

Besides that, if our money was actually WORTH something, wouldn’t that have counteracted the drop in housing value? Or at least defended against it?

and investors holding mortgage-backed securities began to incur serious losses. Before long, these securities became so unreliable that they were not being bought or sold. Investment banks such as Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers found themselves saddled with large amounts of assets they could not sell.

Isn’t that the chocolaty, free-marekety goodness at work?

That’s the risk they assumed. Shouldn’t they sue the banks that sold them the bad loans for fraud?

They ran out of the money needed to meet their immediate obligations. And they faced imminent collapse. Other banks found themselves in severe financial trouble. These banks began holding on to their money, and lending dried up, and the gears of the American financial system began grinding to a halt.

We can’t have that!!

Wait–why can’t we have that?

Well, it seems that our economy is like a shark. If a shark stops swimming, if it stops eating, it will die. Now, personally, I think that shark has been poorly designed. What’s worse is that our economy seems to be designed even more poorly. A shark is in the ocean–there’s nothing to stop it from consuming everything in its path and nothing to stop it from moving forward.

Our economy is different. Consumer confidence drops and people stop buying. There’s no shark metaphor here so, what happens to our economy when people stop buying?

Yeah, growth slows and could even stop. Apparently, that means our economy will crumble.

I’m not sure why this is–I think it just means that bankers will not make as much money. If everyone just stopped spending money on anything, say swore off cable, Internet, cars, and just grew everything they eat in their back yard, and saved their money, it would stop inflation in it’s tracks. The dollar might actually be worth something for a while. Of course, then a HUGE chunk of the economy dries up.

Which, is fine with me, since those bankers have brought all this shit on themselves. I’m broke due to my own choices, why shouldn’t they be?

With the situation becoming more precarious by the day, I faced a choice: To step in with dramatic government action, or to stand back and allow the irresponsible actions of some to undermine the financial security of all.

Wait–can’t we just let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud?

That sounded WAY more fun than this crap.

I’m a strong believer in free enterprise. So my natural instinct is to oppose government intervention.

“Which is why I’ve intervened in the governments of two other countries instead.”

I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business.

Allowed?

Under normal circumstances, I would have followed this course. But these are not normal circumstances. The market is not functioning properly. There’s been a widespread loss of confidence. And major sectors of America’s financial system are at risk of shutting down.

But, Bush, isn’t the economy just like a really big business? Isn’t intervening in a really big business just an example of really big socialism?

Shouldn’t you just let our economy fail so we can rebuild it in a way that makes it more stable and hopefully avoid another Great Depression from happening for a third time? Because, let me tell ya, Bushybush, this $700 billion is going to really drive the value of the dollar through the floor.

A bail-out is only going to help the businesses stay afloat, thus keeping our economy afloat, too–but in the long term, the economy is still screwed since you’ve just made each single dollar bill in our pocket 700 billion times less valuable.

Damn, this is a mind-bending thing to conceive. Let me make sure I have that right.

You have a $1 and it’ll buy you one shoe. Someone prints up $700 billion more dollars, but each dollar printed does NOT equate to one shoe. In fact, no shoes are manufactured. Now it takes $701 billion to buy that shoe. Yeah, that math is right, I think.

But remember, in our reality, it already costs way more than a dollar to buy a shoe.

The government’s top economic experts warn that without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic,

Oh, I’m pretty sure that’s already going to happen thanks to this wonderfully (un)uplifting speech. But here, Bush is about to tell us what could happen IF his magical cure-all elixir isn’t chugged by America–remember: this is all hypothetical from Bush’s point of view! I forgot this and had to scroll back up to make sure.

and a distressing scenario would unfold:

More banks could fail, including some in your community.

Yeah, and I just opened an account with WaMu! Good thing I’m broke! :P

The stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account.

I have a retirement account??

Oh wait, I do–compliments of my dad. He dropped $3,000 in a Roth IRA for me a couple years back against my wishes, but what the hey, it’s his money Bush is losing. Sorry, dad! You probably just should have given it directly to me. It will have been used better feeding and clothing me now, as opposed to when I’m 59 and living in another country with a real economy.

I appreciate the thought, though! :)

The value of your home could plummet.

HA! I don’t own a home! SUCKER!

Wait…what would this mean for the company that owns my building?

Foreclosures would rise dramatically.

He’s starting to sound like he’s describing what would happen if we pulled out of Iraq early.

“Violence would rise dramatically.”

Compared to…

The same goes for mortgages defaulting. That number’s pretty high already, bud!

And if you own a business or a farm, you would find it harder and more expensive to get credit. More businesses would close their doors, and millions of Americans could lose their jobs.

On top of the millions of Americans who are already out of work.

Even if you have good credit history, it would be more difficult for you to get the loans you need to buy a car or send your children to college. And ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession.

And it’s all because of housing.

I hope people don’t buy this shit.

Because people don’t want to buy houses and can’t pay off their loans America’s financial world is exploding?

This is such utter BULLSHIT.

Fellow citizens: We must not let this happen. I appreciate the work of leaders from both parties in both houses of Congress to address this problem — and to make improvements to the proposal my administration sent to them. There is a spirit of cooperation between Democrats and Republicans, and between Congress and this administration.

Finally, Bush is a uniter! He’s provided them with an economic disaster so grand that they have no choice but to come together to come up with some way to pick up the pieces.

In that spirit, I’ve invited Senators McCain and Obama to join congressional leaders of both parties at the White House tomorrow to help speed our discussions toward a bipartisan bill.

Ohhhhh, wow! Bush just politicized this economic crisis!!

Sure, McCain already did the same thing, but McCain I’d expect it from. Bush is a null unit–his actions are supposed to mean nothing at this point. He just reactivated his douchbaggery mode. I had hoped he’d retired it permanently.

I know that an economic rescue package will present a tough vote for many members of Congress. It is difficult to pass a bill that commits so much of the taxpayers’ hard-earned money. I also understand the frustration of responsible Americans who pay their mortgages on time, file their tax returns every April 15th, and are reluctant to pay the cost of excesses on Wall Street. But given the situation we are facing, not passing a bill now would cost these Americans much more later.

Forget that we’ll pay in other ways later, anyway.

This is absurd. Like the tax-payers have $700 billion just laying around. Fucking hell, man–$700 BILLION!! That’s roughly how much we’ve spent in Iraq since we invaded!! According to NationalPriorities.org, the cost of the war in Iraq as I type this at 3:09am, Thursday 9/25/08, $557 billion.

Yes, the mind boggles as to how these idiots think spending over $100 billion more than we’ve already spent in Iraq on this bail-out won’t have repercussions that reach forward decades into America’s future.

I mean, this seems like kids’ stuff, to me, to see how bad that would be.

Many Americans are asking: How would a rescue plan work?

I’m not–I’m asking why we shouldn’t just let this system fail and blame the assholes who designed it, the assholes who let it get this bad, and the assholes who think it should be saved when it’s so screwed us now.

After much discussion, there is now widespread agreement on the principles such a plan would include. It would remove the risk posed by the troubled assets — including mortgage-backed securities — now clogging the financial system.

You watch, he won’t say anything about the over all effect this new money will have on inflation.

This would free banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses.

All this talk of how normal and everyday borrowing is freaks me out. He’s encouraging us to support the very system that is crumbling around our ears.

Essentially, his solution to all these loans driving down the value of the dollar is to allow for more loans to be given. Of course, he doesn’t believe the problem is excessive loans–too bad his solution will only make the problem worse.

Any rescue plan should also be designed to ensure that taxpayers are protected. It should welcome the participation of financial institutions large and small. It should make certain that failed executives do not receive a windfall from your tax dollars. It should establish a bipartisan board to oversee the plan’s implementation. And it should be enacted as soon as possible.

Taxpayers can’t be protected against this.

I don’t understand why financial institutions large and small would partake in a bail out that they don’t need. This makes no sense.

Failed executives have already received a windfall when they loaned all that money out and then sold the debts off. Letting them keep their jobs and their salaries allows them to get away with it all.

We’re supposed to believe a bipartisan board will oversee this plan’s implementation with any amount of skill or ability when both parties allowed this mess to happen in the first place?

No, I think you’ve managed to remove any confidence Americans should have in every single branch of government there is.

As far as I can tell every single person in the US government is incompetent because no one has simply put up a big stink to stop one insane thing or another from happening. You’re ALL fools and idiots who care more for keeping your jobs than for doing them. Everything politicians are today is against what politicians should be about.

In close consultation with Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson,

“Hank”?

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, and SEC Chairman Chris Cox, I announced a plan on Friday. First, the plan is big enough to solve a serious problem. Under our proposal, the federal government would put up to $700 billion taxpayer dollars on the line to purchase troubled assets that are clogging the financial system.

Doesn’t that just transfer the risk (ie the never-to-be-paid mortgages) to US the taxpayers?? So instead of the banks that risked by taking on these debts dealing with the consequences, it’s the American people.

I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m pretty shocked.

In the short term, this will free up banks to resume the flow of credit to American families and businesses. And this will help our economy grow.

Because more debt = the US economy grows.

OK, let’s break this truly fucked up scenario down:

You incur debt, you then have to get a job to pay off that debt. Then you get more debt and have to keep working to pay off that debt.

I thought indentured servitude was no longer practiced in the US.

D’oh! Wait a minute! Indentured servitude has a designated contract limit–you work for X amount of years to pay off your debt.

But what happens when you take on more debt and more debt, during your everyday life?

The indentured servitude contract never ends–funny how the only thing that differentiates indentured servants from slaves is the contract…

Second, as markets have lost confidence in mortgage-backed securities, their prices have dropped sharply. Yet the value of many of these assets will likely be higher than their current price, because the vast majority of Americans will ultimately pay off their mortgages.

You hope.

But hey! Wait a minute! Did you just say the housing market had its floor drop out of it?

Doesn’t that mean the problem that caused everything to fail is still around?

What’s to stop the number of defaulted mortgages from going up even more?

I think Bush is just dealing with the symptoms here and not solving the core problems (big surprise).

The government is the one institution with the patience and resources to buy these assets at their current low prices and hold them until markets return to normal.

How long will that take what with fuel costs and unemployment so high and dollar value so low?

And when that happens, money will flow back to the Treasury as these assets are sold.

Wait–so we don’t even get our $700 billion back? After all of this shouldn’t the cash go back into every American’s pocket instead of to the Treasury of the government that let all this stuff get so badly screwed up in the first place?

And we expect that much, if not all, of the tax dollars we invest will be paid back.

To who?

The Fed, right?

Right–I just want to hear him say it. No one ever talks about who the money goes back to.

A final question is: What does this mean for your economic future?

My brain really hurts right now. I give anyone reading this serious credit for getting this far after reading everything. I really wish I could make this funnier but it’s just not funny at all.

The primary steps — purpose of the steps I have outlined tonight is to safeguard the financial security of American workers and families and small businesses.

America has workers?

How can America have workers when outsourcing has sent most of the jobs away?

The federal government also continues to enforce laws and regulations protecting your money.

Do we have laws and regulations protecting our money?

The Treasury Department recently offered government insurance for money market mutual funds. And through the FDIC, every savings account, checking account, and certificate of deposit is insured by the federal government for up to $100,000.

Wow.

Uh, is $100,000 a lot of money these days?

The FDIC has been in existence for 75 years, and no one has ever lost a penny on an insured deposit — and this will not change.

Didn’t I hear that the FDIC was running out of money, too? (Yes, I did.)

Once this crisis is resolved, there will be time to update our financial regulatory structures.

You actually want regulation? I thought McCain was like “we need to say no to government standing in the way of businesses” or some such crap.

Our 21st century global economy remains regulated largely by outdated 20th century laws. Recently, we’ve seen how one company can grow so large that its failure jeopardizes the entire financial system.

Actually, wouldn’t it be safer to say that the new, unregulated world the Republicans ushered in after dominating three branches of government for six years is to blame and not “20th century laws”?

Earlier this year, Secretary Paulson proposed a blueprint that would modernize our financial regulations. For example, the Federal Reserve would be authorized to take a closer look at the operations of companies across the financial spectrum and ensure that their practices do not threaten overall financial stability.

When is the USG going to take a closer look at the Fed? When’s the last time any part of the USG actually oversaw anything in the Fed?

There are other good ideas, and members of Congress should consider them. As they do, they must ensure that efforts to regulate Wall Street do not end up hampering our economy’s ability to grow.

Because if it stops growing…it… will… DIE!

Which is just a terrible way to run a system if you ask me.

In the long run, Americans have good reason to be confident in our economic strength.

And that reason is…?

Despite corrections in the marketplace and instances of abuse, democratic capitalism is the best system ever devised.

Yeah, that doesn’t make it perfect or even the best possible system that could be devised.

It has unleashed the talents and the productivity, and entrepreneurial spirit of our citizens.

It’s also screwed a lot of people, Bush. But you don’t talk about the failures, do you? No, you don’t because you think we’re idiots.

It has made this country the best place in the world to invest and do business.

I’m pretty sure (as I said above) a cheap dollar is what makes foreign investors want to spend here. OH and a desperate people will make it even more attractive.

And it gives our economy the flexibility and resilience to absorb shocks, adjust, and bounce back.

Like right now when a $700 billion bail-out is required to stop it from crumbling around our ears??

You’re contradicting yourself in a single speech! Usually Jon Stewart has to compare your words to your words from months or years ago. Here you are in a single speech. First, you say that our entire economy is in danger and now you say that our economy has the flexibility and the resilience to bounce back with just a simple little injection of $700 billion.

Sure! Why not? You’re on crack, Bush.

Our economy is facing a moment of great challenge. But we’ve overcome tough challenges before — and we will overcome this one.

Who is this “WE” white man? You don’t know what it’s like to be poor or struggling or to even be middle class. You’re so fucking out of touch you think we’re just going to eat this bullshit up and call it chocolate cake. I really hope you’re wrong about us being so gullible and stupid.

I know that Americans sometimes get discouraged by the tone in Washington, and the seemingly endless partisan struggles.

Of course, the partisan struggles would be solved with the simple addition of a third party. But the system won’t allow it. OH WELL!

Yet history has shown that in times of real trial, elected officials rise to the occasion.

OH yeah! Like that time Congress passed the Patriot Act without reading it?

Or the time Congress voted to give you the power to go to war despite the Constitution saying only Congress has the right to declare war?

OH, OH! Maybe you mean the time Congress stood up and refused to fund the war once they saw there were no nukes or Al Qaeda in Iraq?

Oh wait, that NEVER HAPPENED.

No, sorry, Bush–Democrats and Republicans have consistently shown their disinterest in rising to ANY occasion…at ALL, EVER.

And together, we will show the world once again what kind of country America is — a nation that tackles problems head on, where leaders come together to meet great tests, and where people of every background can work hard, develop their talents, and realize their dreams.

Dude, we have failed, failed and failed again in every major task we’ve set out to accomplish!

Afghanistan, Iraq, Katrina, our economy–all are failures.

People think Twitter’s bad? Before you leave office, Bush, we should tattoo the Fail Whale on your forehead.

Thank you for listening. May God bless you.

Wow, this is bad.

Actually, I’d like to thank YOU, yes YOU reading this. It’s not easy to face this kind of topic especially when so much is at stake. So, thank you for getting to the bottom of this huge post. My apologies for not making this more funny or at least fun. However, as you can tell, there’s not much fun about it.

I seriously don’t know how Jon Stewart and his writers do this every day. Maybe I need a staff :)